This week I had to transfer care back to the hospital. While I absolutely love my midwife and would love to have an out of hospital birth, the maternal fetal specialist strongly recommended continual birth & labor monitoring, at the hospital. I was obviously pretty disappointed to hear the news. I have really enjoyed our intimate, quiet appointments that Lexi can run around, color and do her own thing. There is no fear, anxiety or worry. I enjoyed that she knows every detail of my pregnancy with Alex and how excited she is for this one, going one step beyond to provide the ultimate care during our pregnancy. Being able to text, call and email your provider and get a immediate response back is amazing.
At least we found out now, rather than that later in the 3rd trimester when we were prepared for an out of hospital labor and birth.
I would like to say that my first appointment back at the hospital was wonderful or delightful. But realistically, we spent an hour and twenty minutes there to be with pre-screened by a second year resident before we actually saw the physician, 50 minutes after our scheduled appointment time. I haven't decided yet if I like the change in caregiver, or if the familiarity of my old OB office would be better. It is a different clinic. And a new physician, that can provide more continuity of care with visits and delivery. I will give it a another chance though before I put too much opinion in it.
Lexi was good for the first hour, then when they pulled the ultrasound machine in, she decided it was a good time to bolt out of the room. And of course Tony had to follow. Thankfully, my midwife was there with in the room to see our little guy moving around on the ultrasound and we were both smiles. Sadly, though both Lexi and Tony missed out. I may have to arrange for childcare for future appointments.
We will have our 20 week ultrasound in the next week or so down in Eugene. I love that the physician performs them there, and can tell you exactly what they see and answer questions during the ultrasound. Looking forward to seeing our little guy and getting some good pictures.
I am getting more excited. And very excited that we are having a boy. While I will never understand why Alex isn't here with us, I feel very blessed that we get another opportunity and another pregnancy following our loss. I never imagined that I would go through a third pregnancy. Two children was all I thought I would carry. Let's be honest, being pregnant 13 months out of the last 15 months isn't what I call ideal. While I know that it is possible to have a healthy wonderful pregnancy that ends in a live birth, I am also no longer naive to the reality of losing a child, and no longer naive that it could still happen in this pregnancy. But we are all in. We have hope that this pregnancy will end differently. And in the end we will get to bring a sweet little boy home with us from the hospital.
Even four year olds live in a different reality following the loss of a sibling. When we talk about the new baby, Lexi frequently comments that she hopes "this baby doesn't die." "Me too, Sweetie. Me too."
#rememberingalex
#findingjoy
#rainbowbaby
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