Speaking the Truth

I have been busy enjoying all the new joys of having a new infant in our house.  It is such a short window and I don't want to miss a second of it.  Maybe that is the difference between your first born child and when you know its your last child.  You know all to well time is going to fly by, and you would give anything to freeze time and have one more moment.

I have been fortunate to be surrounded by friends (new & old) and family that take time to acknowledge and remember Alex.  Some speak his name, some send small thoughtful messages or hummingbirds and some just let me cry when I need to.

What is it like 16 months out from child loss?

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My grief is not gone.

Just because we were able have another child, it does not replace losing Alex.

I will never stop grieving because I will never stop loving.

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This fall I spent time with a college friend.  I appreciated more than ever how direct she was and not afraid to talk about Alex and use his name.

"Is it hard for you watching Terry grow-up and wondering what 

Alex would have been doing?"

Yes.  Everyday I look at Terry and express my gratitude that life is such a miracle   And everyday I wonder who Alex would have been.   What he would look like.  What he would be doing.  What his first words would be.  I watch his little friends that were born last year continue to grow.  They celebrated their one year birthdays, that have past the milestone of walking and now are officially toddlers.  Everyday I wonder who Alex would be.

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And then there is my little girl that I couldn't shelter from heartache and loss.

"I love our baby so much.  I hope he doesn't die." -Lexi

I wish I could promise her that our baby would never leave and he would be with us forever. But I am no longer naive to child loss.

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This fall I attended a postpartum pampering with other recent moms.  Some were first time mothers and others had two or three littles at home.  One mother I recognized from a mutual Facebook group and she immediately acknowledged Alex.  It was wonderful then to be able to tell our different birthing stories and experiences, and I didn't feel like I needed to hide my birthing and postpartum experience with Alex.  Other than my conversation with her, I mostly sat quietly relaxing.  I worked on an adult coloring page and listened to the new moms share their labor and delivery stories.   I remember hearing one mother say,

"I wish there was a class that would prepare you for 

all the things that could go wrong during labor."

I sat there quietly and I smiled and nodded with her.  Not because I agreed with what she said.  But because I too, was once that naive to child loss.  The reality is you prepare for labor & delivery.  You prepare to bring home your child.  There is nothing in the world that will prepare you to hold your dead child.

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This is living after child loss.  I am living.


#findingcourage
#rememberingalex
#rainbowbaby
#terryjames