The Step Monster: Chapter One

I am a Step Mother. I have a list of Step Mother sins:  I am evil. I am hated. I am controlling.  I am stereotyped.  I am wicked.  I am the enemy.   "Go Away! You're not my mother. I hate you!"  Don't worry, I've heard them all.

There is no manual to step-parenting. No class that can prepare you.  No certification test that you must pass.  And the dynamics of every step family are different.  Mine is simple.  Comparatively.  I married a man with a young child from a previous marriage, and I have been a full time residential step mother for the past five years.

I am not Tucker's mother.  Tucker has a mother that loves him very much who lives in California.  I don't feel sad for him that he doesn't get to see his mother often.  Everyone makes choices in their lives that impact not only their own lives, but the lives of others.  Her life is in California.  I can't explain why any mother would live so far from their own child, and its not my job to speculate.

I do know our children are loved and taken care of.  I don't have to worry how they are doing, or be afraid I am missing out on their lives. I am a part of their everyday lives.  I don't treat Tucker any differently than I would my own child.  I don't feel pity for him that his mother is not here to share in his life.  My priorities are to both of my children.  Our Home provides:  Love.  Stability.  Safety.  Structure.  Family.  Security.

Everything in life happens for a reason, and sometimes we don't see it until hindsight.

When my step-son was seven he spent many days (weeks?) home from school between Kindergarten and 3rd grade.  Suspended for acting out in the class-room, being unsafe with his body and so-on.  That year I had just finished my graduate studies at the University of Utah and moved in with Tony and Tucker.  I was working part-time here and there to pay my own bills and contribute to the household fund while waiting for my dream job to open in Corvallis.  At the time I was anxious to find a a real full-time job and begin my career, but at the same time, I knew that I was also meant to be home with Tucker.  I knew he needed more stability and structure in his life and a real family unit.

I choose a life here in Corvallis.  With an amazing man.  When I fell in love with Tony, one of the reasons he was so attractive, was because he was such a wonderful man and father.  He's kind, patient, gentle, and loving.  Believe me, no one grows up thinking to themselves, "I want to be someone's step-mother when I grow up!" (Although, I have always wanted to have foster kids... but that's another story...)

Step Parenting has been something I've been meaning to write about for a long time.  Its obviously been a huge part of my life, I just didn't know where to start.  There are so many blessings and stories that I want to share with others as they come into their own step family dynamics.

Tucker told me recently, "if it wasn't for you Holly, I wouldn't have learned responsibility."  So good ahead, call me evil. Hate me.