Rainbow Baby: 23 Weeks

20 Week Ultrasound / Maternal Fetal Specialist
We went down to Eugene and met with the maternal-fetal specialists there and did our 20 week ultrasound. It was refreshing. The ultrasound and appointment were quick but very thorough. Everything looked great with baby.  Our physician came in after and reviewed our previous pregnancy and loss with Alex.  He said he did not believe that we had a placenta abruption like our OB office had said (since I did not have any contractions, pain, bleeding, event, etc).  He believes we lost Alex due to a fetal-maternal hemorrhage.  But they still have no idea why it happens.  Research has found it only happens in about 1 in 50 stillbirths and stillbirths occur 1 in 160 births.

While it is reassuring that what happened with Alex is very unlikely (0.01%) to happen in this pregnancy, it still makes me question why it happened to Alex.  I suppose that will be a never ending question that will never have an answer.

Here are photos of our very active little man at 20 weeks.  (3D photos sure have improved in the past couple of years! A lot of detail for a 14oz little growing human.)

Baby Boy Names

I think Tony and I are getting closer to names we both agree on.  I of course came up with a list of names that I liked and Tony nixed them all.  

Pampering

This pregnancy I set aside some money to do nice things for myself.  (I of course had to wait until after taxes to make sure I could spend it!)  I have a really hard time spending money on myself or doing nice things.  But part of my grief class, it is a mandatory requirement :)  So I allowed it. 

So out of my fun money, I prepaid for 5 prenatal massages with my friend Amy.  My first appointment was two weeks ago.  It was bitter sweet.  My last massages were 2 days before we lost Alex and 6 weeks postpartum.  But it was nice to be with a friend who understood those things.  I am looking forward to the next four. 

I also went and had my finger nails done one morning after Lexi went to school. But of course as I sat there trying to enjoy the pampering, the last time I allowed myself to be "pampered" was when Amber kidnapped me for the day after Alex and forced me to get a manicure and pedicure.

This week I am getting my hair done.  Last week I decided I wanted to learn something new and taught myself to crochet. I spend a little time every week working in my grief journal and love how much I have been able to capture and be able to hold on to.

Doula
Lexi's preschool director Ms. Jennie is also a doula.  It has been on my mind now for quiet sometime to talk with her.  But because of fiances and becoming a 1+ income family I was already nervous about the added hospital expenses we would rack up and our dwindling savings account.  Before I could even talk with her, she graciously offered her services.  Looking back at Alex's birth, I wish we would have hired a doula to help post partum.  I relied so much on my family and husband, but in truth we were all hurting so bad we needed that weight to be carried by someone else.  So this time, we will make sure that we don't solely rely on our family and will hire a professional to help us!  It helps that Ms. Jennie has been with us through losing Alex and a support for our family during that time as well.  (These are comfort gifts she brought us after Alex.)

#rainbowbaby

#rememberingalex