Stages of Grieving

For the first eight weeks, I didn't even wear mascara.  There wasn't any point.  I cried so much, that I didn't even bother wiping the tears away.  They flowed like a river out of my heart.  I am not even sure where all the tears came from.  There is no way that I was hydrated enough.  But they did not stop.  It was a never ending reservoir of tear that came from deep in my soul.  Trying to cleanse me.

The day of Alex's memorial was beautiful on the river.  But the moment we stepped onto the docks to say our goodbyes to our son and release some flowers into the river, the heavens opened up and started to pour.  We were drenched in the sadness of our grief.  The sky soaked our bodies and camouflaged our tears, cleansing our souls.

I miss my son.  Everyday.  I will never get over losing him.  Never stop wondering why or what could have been.  I will never stop grieving.  I will never stop loving him.

From the outside, I probably look pretty good.  I look happy.  I am pregnant with a rainbow baby, I get another chance.  I am living.  Hell, I am one courageous Mamma.  I survived losing my child.

Behind my mask, I am still hurting.  I feel guilty for feeling joy for a new baby and missing Alex.  I am broken - a piece of me will always be missing.  I am jealous that other mommies get to see their babies milestones  - as Alex should be right there with them.  I am afraid that people will forget.  I often hide my sadness, even from my husband who knows me best. I don't want him to see me so broken.  I want to be able to put myself back together, to be a better wife, a better mom and a better friend.

This grief will never never end.  I will never stop loving and missing my child.  Alex should be 9 months old. While I am happily into the 30th week of this pregnancy, that only means it has been 40 weeks since we lost Alex.  It's the reality of having a rainbow baby, I had to lose a previous child.

Today, I am more in control of when I grieve.  More able to control what triggers me.  I don't immediately tear up when his name comes up, or something (everything) reminds me of him. I can usually choose when and where I want to break down.  I even set aside time for intentional grieving and allow myself the sadness.

I am a mother who has lose her child.  I get to spend Mother's Day with empty arms and still take in the joys of my earthly children. A piece of my heart is missing forever.  I am trying to be present when half my heart is somewhere else.

I am still picking up the pieces.